Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
