Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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