you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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