I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
