I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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