Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
