I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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