I think my fart just growled at me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
