when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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