Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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