i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
