Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
