Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
