i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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