The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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