AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Rumble strips road head = magical
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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