i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
