$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
