she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
