she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
