Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
