The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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