I checked into jail on foursquare
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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