yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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