I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
