I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
