I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
