I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
