...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
