he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
