I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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