I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just pee around me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So vagazzling was a success
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
