I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
