Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
