Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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