I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
