Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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