How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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