I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
