I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's shark week go big or go home
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
