my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
