I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
