gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
