New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
