I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
