sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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