remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
