my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just puked most of my soul out..
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