I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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