I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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