So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
